REPOST BY SABRA BLOG POST
There is a face we will all wear one day – the face of death, and what I mean by that is one day, we will die. Also, someone we love will die, and we will hear about a death. In this experience, we will wear at least one of the many expressions and feel any of the many feelings. This little booklet expresses what I’ve seen in these instances: physical death, emotional death, reputational death, and material loss.
Physical
I’ve seen many facial expressions of grief in losing a loved one and want to share observations. Whether through a personal account or word of mouth, news of death produces immediate sadness and shock. It also brings with it a reminder of our imminent mortality. No matter how the information is delivered, it runs the gamut of thought and expression.
I’ve come to understand the unpredictability of physical death that causes times of great grief, and death’s loss is permanent – at least on this side of the curtain. It may come across as anger, dismay, abandonment, rage, shock, disbelief, worry, guilt, anxiety, depression, hatred, detachment, aloofness, isolation, and denial, to name a few. Its physical manifestation ranges from abhorrent behavior to downright immobility. Anxiety or depression, mania or paralysis, weight loss, endless sleeping or insomnia, addictions, or loss of appetite. Uncontrollable weeping, unsuppressed anger, and even thoughts of suicide.
The faces of death can be challenging to recognize when you are the bereaved, and you’re watching the griever. There is no set way to express permanent loss except the one that fits you. The reaction to permanent is so pronounced. Feeling overwhelmed can take hold, and it seems challenging to reclaim yourself, keep your thoughts straight, or even reason.
The first time I encountered sorrow in the face of death was at a childhood friend’s aunt’s funeral. I didn’t know the aunt very well, but I attended the service out of love and respect for my dear friend. It was, of course, a solemn assembly, but little did I know that I would comfort my dear friend’s daughter during the recessional. I happened to be outside when the service ended, and my friend’s daughter was bawling her eyes out – she was in her late teens or early twenties. I walked up to comfort her, and what she said hit me. As she cried, she said I’ll never get to see my grandmother, my friend’s mom had passed away years before she was born. She never got to meet her grandmother. The loss of this aunt stirred her grief. She released a floodgate of sorrow she had held onto for many years. I tried as best as possible to comfort her and told her that she would see her grandmother again. Death silences relationships; it extinguishes possibilities. It’s a thief.
I remember when my grandmother died in the 70s. Mama flew to Texas for the funeral and was there for about a week. Upon her return, I picked her up from the airport, and she looked drawn and weighed like a burden was on her shoulders. What an expression, the face, of grief! Her expression took me aback because she seemed to have aged by at least five years how my mother aged. This was a first for me. I felt so sad for momma.
The face of death is always tragic – for some, it brings panic attacks, sleeplessness, and sadness.
When my nephew passed away suddenly, I saw his mom exacerbated – she was already high energy and anxiety stricken. And parents who experience the death of an offspring are heavily laden in their hearts. The grief weighs on the mind, causing thoughts of how it could have been prevented and ruminating on why. The guilt is also reflected in your countenance. My nephew's loss for our family was a tremendous guilt-ridden experience for this writer, and I, too, wished I could have prevented it. But God has the final say in each of our lives, and trusting Him is the best way to overcome this kind of loss.
Once, I officiated at a service for my nephew when his brother suddenly passed away—another unexpected death. But truth be told, death is always unexpected -- even if you know the time is running out. However, if I helped anyone grieving during the service, God’s Spirit inspired the message. I believe my nephew was pleased with the way the service went. I excused myself after the service. I was very nervous about saying things to bring comfort to the family and friends gathered. On the one hand, words can soothe a troubled mind during loss. On the other hand, it can incite great sorrow in the hearer.
When my older sister’s husband died, it was sudden and unexpected. She appeared to be walking around, guided by an unseen Hand – the Holy Spirit – if you would, was leading her. It seemed like she didn’t want much help from anyone. She felt like she had to handle all these things by herself. But thanks to her loving children, she wasn’t alone. They held up her arms until it was over. All I heard in my heart about her situation was: What shall I do? Her husband had taken care of everything up until then, and she was overwhelmed by all the newfound responsibilities. There was a question mark over her head. I wanted to help, but sometimes you can get in the way of what God’s doing - grief allows one to examine oneself, dig deep down, and you may find many instances where you’ve buried sorrow, suffering, and loss. And sudden physical loss may draw out those buried feelings. By not addressing the issues, they rise to the surface like a volcano or a mountain of pain that eats away at our souls!
One of the saddest experiences I witnessed was my grand dog, who had been a rescue animal after ten years of living a privileged life, restored to a better quality of health, and loved by all who knew and saw him. He had to be put down. I know for many pet owners, a dog is a family member. They give back unquestionable love and companionship for love given. They provide a place of soothing comfort to the owner. Loyal and sensitive to their owners, God created pets for humanity to love and care for.
When Dozer first came home, he wasn’t used to being treated with kindness. He wasn’t used to getting fed regularly. He wasn’t used to sleeping on a comfortable bed. But, as the years went by, he understood the love his surrogate mom had for him. She nursed his health issues and reaped the benefits of being a great dog owner. But when the time came, and his health worsened, she decided things for him. I saw the pain of that decision; I simultaneously saw the face of loss and love. My daughter labored over the decision to let go for a while, and the angst she felt was heavy and deep. But her compassion for him superseded her pain. He blessed her, and she blessed him. Her memories of his companionship will comfort her in the face of loss and cause her heart to feel warmth when reflecting on his love and loyalty.
If we who believe in God trust His time clock, then we have confidence that His timing is perfect and inevitably will complete the assignments given to us. Our lives are purposeful, and loss is a part of the shaping, honing, strengthening, weathering, and power to comfort those who mourn. All of us have experienced a loss of some kind. We have regretted leaving something near and dear and are positioned to experience death. The closest thing to our heart, the greatest love we may encounter, will, at some point, die. In the absence of loss and suffering is immaturity. Like children who have not experienced continual loss, adults understand that loss and death are part of life, making the adjustments to continue. We aren’t allowed the luxury of quitting because of these losses. God’s expectation is clear. He walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death; we don’t have to be afraid, for He is with us.
Whatever loss you have experienced – be it years ago or just recently, take comfort in knowing that “the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in you. Comfort those who can benefit from your experience with the same comfort you received during your time of loss. The rewards are eternal, and the Lord will be pleased.
Emotional
The face of emotional loss comes when we’ve continually lost relationships for one reason or another. It seems we work towards healthy relationships, but maintaining one is tricky. It looks like we keep getting into a toxic situation, and because we go into trusting and believing in others without reservations, ulterior motives, or deceit, the relationship falters. Emotional loss is very damaging to the psyche. Our feelings of trust and hope diminish as true nature and propensities unfold. Difficulty in communication.
Reputational
The death of a reputation, by any number of things, can be viewed as devastating. Death of the individual’s, or company’s identity, is complicated to recover from. The end of goodwill benefits garnered by the excellent reputation is ruined. In many instances, a corporation may attempt to rebrand itself. For an individual, it's usually not that easy. When your reputation has been tarnished, you may have to relocate, change your vocation, and start anew. The loss of community, friends and social and economic connections can take a tremendous toll on your reputation. This type of death can have a lasting impact. In the face of a reputational death, shame, regrets, and frustration may play a part. The dark cloud hovers over the head of the building. Whenever a reputational death occurs, even if the facts lead to that death can seldom be reversed.
This pamphlet is intended to help anyone grieving. People, places, and things die, but we must continue to live – one day at a time – until our assignment here on earth has been completed. I want to be sure that I lived an entire life giving all that was given me and can say I’ve emptied myself with nothing left over.
Being grateful for the life I was given gifts I've received and using them to the fullest extent possible. How sad it would be if, at the end of it all, I reflected on how I could have given such and such but did it because I was waiting for…or I didn’t experience such and such because I was afraid …No regrets, exchanges or reneging.
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