POETRY From the eyes and heart of the child[ren].
The silent victims of divorce are the children. Their voices, feelings, thoughts, concerns, and reactions oftentimes go unnoticed and unheard. In many instances, the impact it has on them manifests in physical symptoms. The tearing to shreds their way of life, the stability and routine, which is the basis of their existence. Children, like seeds planted in the “soil” of the family, require stability to grow. Like a tree planted in good soil, being cultivated by love and nurturing care will thrive. But when they are subtly or suddenly uprooted, replanted in shallow soil – an unstable environment full of chaos and confusion something dies. As a result, this environment halts their ability to flourish. They are left with inadequacies, resentment, anger, rebellion, and confusion. Their identity is altered. Because statistically, they are now impoverished by no choice of their own. This in turn results in problems at school, problems with siblings in the home, and emotional instability. HELP Divorce Hurts!
The effects are long term, sometimes a lifetime.
The child is left with questions and mixed feelings: like they were not enough: If only my daddy hadn’t left; if only my mom married someone like so-and-so’s dad; wasn’t I enough to keep them together? why didn’t I ever get a card, call or visit from them? Didn’t I matter? Was I not lovable? Why did they always say, “I’m coming to get you” or “take you someplace fun” or “buy you that doll you wanted” or come to your football game?” What kept them from showing love to me? I was their child, right? If love is like this then I don’t want it because it's hurtful, lonely, and I feel such rejection. I feel abandoned.
On the one hand, I have so much resentment towards them, but on the other hand, I love them. I am so torn. HELP Divorce Hurts!
The other side of divorce concerns the parents.
Both mom and dad are trying hard to recover themselves and in most instances the tearing apart leaves a hole in their soul. As a result, this void spills over on the children. Unaware of what their child[ren] are sensing, sometimes the adult unintentionally overlooks their need for comfort and reassurance that things will be alright. They need to know their family will recover and they are still loved. They need to know it’s not their fault and as they get older they may better understand the change. HELP Divorce Hurts!
The emotional instability of the primary parent is sensed by the child[ren] and their insecurities also take a toll. Because in many cases, the divorce cannot be discussed with a child — even if the child is older. How do you explain intimate pain, betrayal, distrust, infidelity or any number of reasons married couples split to a child without bias? Whatever the cause, the tearing of a family structure is painful. HELP Divorce Hurts!
As the dust settles...
...from the fallout these children are collateral damage - residual debris in the form of emotional scars. Keloids build up in their lives. Keloid occurs after the surgery—after the cut has healed. Oftentimes keloid is internal - develops under the skin where it goes unnoticed. It’s hardened scar tissue.
The primary parent may notice some behavioral changes, some outbursts. You begin to see changes in attitude towards school. You hear a rebellious voice of defiance when requests are made. Contention and combative stances surface. You try to reason that s/he is just adjusting to the paradigm shift in the family structure. You tell yourself it’s going to get better, instead it gets worse. If there is more than one child, then each one’s reaction is as unique as they are. Self-soothing, angry outbursts, sensitive tears at the drop of a hat, silent withdrawal, isolation. Anger turns into attacks on the other siblings. Emotional instability turns into tearful outbursts. Abandonment, rejection, frustration, guilt, fear. All these negative emotions begin to swirl around in the home atmosphere like a brewing storm. HELP Divorce Hurts!
The financial fallout...
Then, in addition to all of the above, there is the financial fallout - like a war zone where the ravages of combat have destroyed the economic stability of the child[ren]. The absence of prior provisions including health, dental, clothing, food, shelter and family fun. Living an unstable existence where once it was secure, compounds the situation. The restructuring of their routines, having to leave their familiar school, move to a new school, make new friends, adjust to a different neighborhood, among other things. All of these changes impact the child[ren] as they continue to grow. HELP Divorce Hurts!
The semblance of the new normal...
When the dust settles, when the semblance of the new normal comes into focus, then the primary parent attempts to reclaim their life. The parent must develop a sense of security and convey that confidence to the children so they can get back their confidence, sense of identity. Although the new routine seems to be working, the family needs counseling, support and assurances that they will be okay. The weight of this new dynamic is heavy, especially on the single parent. If they do not have a support system in place, the insecurities and instability of the child[ren] will become rooted in their hearts. It is this writer’s opinion that it is imperative to seek counseling professionally for the family. It is also important for them to be able to express their feelings, give them an opportunity to have misconceptions cleared up because children tend to think somehow it's their fault! Clear communication reinforced with love and time will help the children at least recover from the absence of the other parent. And, in time, if the parents are amicable and co-parent the children will have a better chance in life, especially in self-identity. HELP Divorce Hurts!
The history of abuse
If there has been a history of abuse of any kind during the marriage (even when the children are very young), the additional impact adds another layer of problems to the situation. Children who experience abuse in a family are impacted for life! Make no mistake, it takes a toll on so many levels of their existence. Death of a marriage is just as impactful as the death of a loved one. The grief is overwhelming to a child. Their minds, emotions, hearts are torn into pieces. The heart of the spouse who was abused is torn as well. And, because they’ve been battered, it is hard for them to help the children, unless the parent gets long term counsel. If this is brushed under the rug, dismissed without processing the abuse, then the wound in their soul will stay opened and unhealed. And, of course, their woundedness spills over on the children. This is an additional blow and it's necessary to acknowledge the need for healing. Think of it as an open wound on your body. A physician is definitely called in to provide healing. The stages of grief must be addressed. The demise of dreams must be examined. The childrens’ sense of value has been shaken. It is essential that the family seek counsel. It is imperative for the caregiver to seek assistance in the process of recovering from divorce. HELP Divorce Hurts!
In Closing
This blog was created to be a voice for you and y our children, and to help you voice, and identify you feel within your divorce situation, whether amicable or combative. We here at OutofHisheart understand and want to offer first steps to recovery for your family. We will be praying for you and hope you find this helpful. Below is a list of resources for families who desire help to recover from divorce. These resources are free for most single families. If you desire prayer, someone to talk to or would like to have a one-on-one session with a caring ear, please send an email to the following email address: outofhisheart@gmail.com. If we cannot personally provide help, we will make every effort to point you in the right direction. It is our hope that you heal and maybe one day reach out and help someone as you walk out of hurt into healing.
Know that you are not alone in the struggle to regain a stable home environment for you and your family, and OutofHisHeart is here to help in any way we can.
For prayer requests, feel free to send us you prayer request and will add you to our prayer list. For resources, please check out our resources page.
Comments