MEMOIR by Sabra Jenkins
The picture shows a hidden danger buried resting in the leaves. Can you see it? Would you recognize it?
Codependency is subtle. First time I realized I was codependent and victimized, I was 17 years old. At school, he was popular. Me and other girls were vying for his attention. That’s usually a good way to know you’re being set up. But infatuation doesn’t have boundaries. I tried everything to get him to notice me over the others – and he did. In reflection, I wish he’d chosen the others.
What is it about codependency that causes a predator to pounce? Is it your naiveté? Is it your need to be loved? Is it the absence of a father? Do you have an invisible mark on your forehead? Again, in retrospect, I didn’t know what horrible consequences this choice would have. I am sharing my experience in hopes to save another so they can do better, and be safe. outLOUD!!
7-12-16 - First time I realized I was codependent and victimized, I was 17 years old! He was popular; me and other girls were vying for his attention. That’s usually a good way to know you’re being set up. But infatuation doesn’t have boundaries…. I tried everything to get him to notice me over the others – and he did. In reflection, I wish he’d chosen the others. What is it about codependency that causes a predator to pounce? Is it your naiveté? Is it your need to be loved? Is it the absence of a father? Do you have an invisible mark on your forehead? Again in retrospect, I didn’t know what horrible consequences this choice would have. outLOUD!!
Pain inflicted by one who professes to “love you” is one of the greatest pains you can experience. Be it a parent, sibling, friend, lover, spouse ...
7-14-16 - Most abusers can have myriad personality disorders including, but not limited to: narcissism, pathological liar, bipolar disorder, sociopathy, passive-aggressive disorder and because these behaviors or better still personality traits are well hidden by the abuser, an unsuspecting victim may not recognize it. That’s why it so important to know traits and signs that manifest and friends/family that will pull your coat. Anytime an individual threatens, hits, uses coercive or manipulative words … please don’t discount that as “it’s just the way they are”. There is so much more to it than a passing sign. Victims may find themselves believing that it is okay for an abuser to deny them the freedom to move about the country or make a suggestion without being ridiculed or discounted as “dumb”. outLOUD!!
Recognize brainwashing tactics used to bring you under their control.
8-2-16 - Reflections on the past four months – hoping that the efforts to remove the abusive person has been consistent. They have calmed down to a small degree but still want to exercise a modicum of control. Your best response is to ignore their abhorrent behavior, not giving much credence to the rantings and control-driven communication. Most abusive, controlling people won’t give up completely, they tend to plot and scheme as to how they can rock your world with unfounded accusations. The abusive person will use all of the old familiar ‘tags’ that captured your mind. They will say things, that in the beginning of the relationship, you didn’t realize were triggers. They study you -- what makes you tick -- then use the knowledge to control you, mind body and soul. outLOUD!!
Healing of mind, body and soul can only happen when you begin to realize how God’s made you in His image and likeness!
8-12-16 - Each day I realize more freedom, more opportunities afforded me to live life without condemnation, low self-esteem, ridicule, humiliation, fear, anxiety or dis-stress! Breaking a cycle of codependency and abuse is hard work. You have to continuously reinforce your new way of thinking, your boundaries, your personal goals and desires. You are reestablishing your identity before you were inundated with someone else’s imposition of who you are and how you are to operate as a human being. Understand and know that you’re already there -- you broke free, you are free, and now it’s just about unraveling those unhealthy, unsubstantiated thoughts that try to creep back into your mind. Whom the Son sets free is free INDEED!! Resist every negative thought that tries to arrest you. Think on whatsoever things are truthful, honorable, respectful, right, confirmed by the word of the God, pure, wholesome, lovely, peaceful, admirable, of a good report, excellent, anything worthy of praise: THINK ON THESE THINGS!! outLOUD!!
8-17-16 -- There are times during the renewal after being in a longstanding abusive relationship, you find yourself slipping back into wrong thinking - something triggers this setback – you may justify your feelings at the moment. This is just another subtle way to get back in to the victimization thinking. You’ve got to resist it. Your emotions could be and should be used to reprogram your thinking utilizing the anger to fuel your determination to seek sound counsel, maintain the progress you’ve made and reaffirm your freedom from the abuse. outLOUD!!
Breaking the false image portrayed by your abuser opens the door to freedom to be who you were created to be!
8-24-16 – When you have been a victim of abuse and break free – your whole mindset has to be renewed – since you are no longer under the “control” of the abuser, counseling with someone who can help you navigate through the rough waters, to undo the brainwashing – training yourself to think differently will take time; talking to people who can help you find out the hows and whys of being an enabler. Working toward a healthy you, taking time to love yourself, connecting with friends and family, seeking healthy ways to express the experience so that it doesn’t fester in you, you don’t ruminate on the painful experiences and start the journey to recovery. It’s important that you just don’t go along in life as usual. It’s important that you seek to gain your dignity, worth, value and move toward being the person God created you to be. Not the person someone tried to mold you into.
outLOUD!!
FINDING YOUR VOICE
9-02-16 - Don’t expect to be okay the first year after being in an abusive relationship. Don’t try to rush the plethora of emotions you will experience during the course of your restoration. Don’t think you can rebound quickly as there will be sometimes when words, streets, familiar places, old acquaintances, songs, visual reminders that may take you back to some place of pain. Some horrible instance that brought you back to sadness, anger or regrets. You thought you’d overcame and that you wouldn’t feel that feeling again, or get angry all over or cry on the inside because of the injustice – when will this feeling of anxiety, anger, unforgiveness, even hatred end? outLOUD!!
Give the seeds of healing a chance to take root in your heart.
04-08-17 – Be patient with yourself. Patience has a perfect work, maturing our hearts, giving us a chance to heal. The “why fors, why me and what did I do to deserve this” of our lives will only be uncovered in time as we wait patiently for answers to unfold. Our culture now only wants microwave resolutions, solutions, and answers. Swift judgements most often miss the true reason for the experiences we have in life. This world is full of painful experiences, domestic abuse is just one of many – suffering through great loss, death, catastrophic illness, displacement, rejection, endless pain-producing experiences that impact our perspective and perception of our lives. The cup of suffering as a true believer in Christ Jesus is an important part of our walk of faith. Whether you believe in God or not, suffering is a part of life. It gives us character, strength, and hope, tempering us to either give up on life or push forward in hope and trusting faith in the true and Living God. During the healing process, it’s imperative to invite people around who will come along side who are nonjudgmental and offer a listening ear, compassion, and support; who offer understanding and give sound loving advice. outLOUD!!
EMOTIONS
09-16-17. After months and months of ruminating on what happened and how much time you spent trying to make the relationship work, you find yourself angry for wasting so much of your time on someone that wasn’t going to change. You feel you’ve spent all this time hoping and praying that things would get better. No matter how much you forgave and “forgot” – it didn’t make a bit of difference, you felt used and abused. You felt like you were wronged by the person who said they loved you, but continued to assault you physically, mentally, financially, and most importantly emotionally. You prayed and prayed and waited and waited and two days of good couldn’t compare to a week of bad behavior, couldn’t compare to the lost sleep, lost wages, lost peace of mind, lost identity, lost loss. You kept telling yourself they will keep their word and do better by you. But even if you did everything according to their dictate, it wasn’t enough to keep them from hurting you. Hurt people hurt people, as the saying goes. Your family and friends don’t know the half of what you’ve been subjected to and you’re too ashamed to tell anyone. outLOUD!!
GET OUT!
09-16-17. The ones that love you know that there’s something wrong. They’ve seen you go from a flourishing young woman to a sullen, withdrawn, exhausted wilting flower. Your light is slowly being snuffed out, and if you continue in that relationship, it quite possibly could be permanent. Listen to that inner voice, the one that’s telling you that there’s a better way of life and you deserve it. Listen to that fading sound in your heart that says GET OUT! Before it’s too late and you completely accept the abusive lifestyle as a permanent w1ay of life, and your expectations of real love die: GET OUT, GET OUT while you still have time. outLOUD!!
HEALING/LIFE RHYTHM/RECOVERY
11-20-17. When the dust settles and you begin to heal and normalcy becomes your life rhythm – the intensity of things that were painful and inconceivable begin to subside. The pain of failure turns into a platform for change. Your celebrity begins to return. You realize you’re free to decide who you’re becoming, your direction, what you will and will not allow. BOUNDARIES. During recovery, typically we tend to start from the age at which the trauma began and from that point Grace and self-love moves you forward into the position you were supposed to be in at the time the trauma relationship started. Please know that no matter what time this recovery begins, God was much aware of where you were and how to help you get back to where He wanted to be. He does not waste one trial, tribulation or trauma! outLOUD!!
11-28-17. Be chary of being too transparent (i.e., talking too much) when developing new relationships – sharing your heart and life experiences with people you’ve just met can be detrimental to your wellbeing. Predatory personalities may perceive your vulnerabilities, sensitivities and fears as an avenue to use against you in subtle ways. Narcissistic predators look for avenues to manipulate and convince you they’ve got the goods. Be sensitive to the leadings of the Holy Spirits – these types are very cunning and crafty. There should be in your arsenal of discernment flags and “buzz” words that will give you heads-up to motive in a too soon or too good to be true relationship. The enemy is disguised as an angel of light.
outLOUD!!
IDENTITY CRISIS
12-14-17. If your identity is wrapped up in your relationship this automatically limits your ability to be you, to take the path you’ve chosen and to confidently pursue your dreams. The abuser in the relationship is a dominant controller who will constantly point out your inabilities rather than celebrate your strengths and gifts. They purposefully invalidate your ideas with the intent to destroy. She/he will whisper in your ear “you can’t do that” or mock and ridicule your dreams as dumb. And even some of the more conniving will appear to promote your aspirations but sabotage your efforts at every turn. Once you’ve relinquished your power it’s difficult to regain. Their pleasure comes in controlling you, denying your potential and belittling yourself esteem. This is another way to program your thinking. Over a period of time, you’ll find yourself second guessing every decision, uncertain about your ability to think will clarity and afraid to express yourself. You set up a protective mechanism that keeps you from being beat down. You stop sharing or talking to him/her. You’re afraid that you will be humiliated one more time by the person who should be completely supportive of your personhood. You are created to be dynamic, your very uniqueness screams like the lilies in a field. Each one has a set number of petals orchestrated by divine design. If the flowers are individual, unique and display one-of-a-kind beauty so much more are you! outLOUD!!
GOLDEN SILENCE
05-17-18. Even though it might not be a conscious effort, a predator remembers – they are always listening, storing information to use later. But generally, a Machiavelli will use this tactic to get inside an unsuspecting person’s head. They appear as if they are interested in you, what you like, who you are. They are also interested in your weaknesses and what are your strengths. This is the very reason why it’s important to be slow to speak, quick to listen. You be the listener because as a listener, you will find out what’s in the heart, what’s their motive and intent. Most females are talkative by creative nature, God made us to interact, communicate and exchange from birth. Many of us grow up talkative. But I caution you, especially young people who are novice in relationships to guard your tongue. Acquire the skill of listening, learn to be slow to speak and not share all of your heart’s desire. Learn to guard your past experiences, pains and joys. Develop your listening ear and discerning heart. As soon as the manipulator finds out what makes you tick she/he will use it against you in subtle ways, you’ll be way into the relationship before you realize you’ve been deceived! outLOUD!!
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